#and I feel like I'm gonna fall over
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[Image Description: A bust drawing of Aiden from Minecraft Story Mode. His outfit is altered slightly, his usual Magnus shirt is replaced with a plain blue T-shirt. He has freckles, piercings, scars, and eyeliner. The piece is signed Ky. /End ID]
My Christmas present to the mcsm fandom: A pretty transmasc who's trying his best to right his wrongs 🫶
#///kyler draws#///aiden draws#mcsm#minecraft story mode#mcsm aiden#aiden mcsm#im love him#now im gonna go lay down#becuz I watched the WORST first person Sonic vid#and I feel like I'm gonna fall over
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Something I think is extremely interesting thematically when it comes to connecting what Downfall and the ideas it tackled to the overarching narrative of campaign three is that the things Downfall made a point to showcase of Aeor—Cassida, Hallis, the visual of an aeormaton proposing to her partner, the specific and intentional decision to shed light on a far from insignificant amount of the population being civilians or refugees—is that it plays in perfect parallel across from what is happening (and, really, has been happening) to the ruidusborn on Exandria in present.
Bear with me for a moment. Aeor is ultimately a city that was collectively punished for the decisions of its leadership. We could (and, judging by the amount of discourse around this particular topic already, probably will) argue about what the Gods’ motivation for all of this was—whether it be that they could not, in the end, bear to kill their siblings or that they were terrified at the prospect of mortality—for me it is a very healthy dose of both—but for this I am much more interested in the latter. They were scared. That, really, is the driving force behind both this arc and their role in c3 as a whole.
Why I point this out is: It is far more interesting to me, especially as we go back to Bells Hells this week, to dissect the Gods and their decisions not purely on sympathetic motivation alone but as beings in the highest seat of power in the highest social class in Exandria.
So, having established that the Gods (in relation to mortals) are more a higher social class than anything we could compare to our real life understanding of divinity and that Aeor was eviscerated largely because of their fear—what is the difference between those innocents in Aeor caught in the trappings of their autocratic government leadership and a divine war on the ground, and those of the ruidusborn being manipulated both by Ludinus and by the very thing that inspired such visceral fear in the Gods to start with. I would argue very little.
I think of Cassida, doing what she genuinely thought was right and good and would save people, her son, and the object of her worship—and how that did not matter enough to any of them to spare her because of the fear they held at the very concept of mortality. I think of Liliana and Imogen, one of which we know begged for the gods to help her or send her a sign for years on years, and how every single one of their largest struggles could have been avoided had the gods loved them, their supposed children, as much as they feared what they could be. I think of how the thing that did save Imogen, in the end, was a woman who herself existed in direct defiance of the gods will. I think of that young boy, sixteen years old, that Laudna exalted on Ruidus.
I think it’s completely fair to judge Aeor’s overall society as deeply corrupt—it was!—but its leadership and police force are not a reflection of every one of its citizens. Similarly, it is fair to judge the Ruby Vanguard as corrupt—it is!—but its multiple heads of leadership and even the god-eater further are not a reflection of every one of its members.
Notably, and what I think the Hells will latch onto, this did not matter to the Gods. It did not matter that Cassida was trying to help. She was still too much of a risk. Will it matter, what Imogen does? Will it matter, if that young boy is in the blast radius when they decide to take no further chances?
I’ve seen a lot of people say that the Hells will side with the gods and I don’t think I agree. Especially as Imogen has been scolded and villainized over and over for daring to try and save her mother—who herself has been seen by some as an irredeemable evil in spite of her drive being the exact same—her family—but when it’s the Gods it’s justified? When it’s the Gods, it’s sympathetic? Too sympathetic to criticize further than “they’re family”?
I obviously do not think the Gods should die or be eaten or what have you, and I certainly don’t agree with Ludinus (though I find him much more compelling than just a variation of hubris wizard), but when talking about the Gods in Aeor and in present it isn’t really at all about their motivation or their family. It can’t be. Too many people, including our active protagonists, lives have been effected for it to be as cut and dry as “they’re family”. These are your children. They are your family, too.
#critical role#cr meta#cr spoilers#critical role spoilers#imogen temult#liliana temult#ludinus da'leth#does this make sense. I feel like i lost my initial thread somewhere around the middle bc my brain is currently spread very thin#but tldr: it is extremely interesting to me that the fall of aeor is such a perfect parallel to the ruidusborn#i could also go on endlessly ENDLESSLY about how cassida and liliana play the exact same role#and also i could go on even longer on what divinity as a concept even means in a world like exandria#and how trying to compare it to our real life understanding of divinity is a bit fruitless#on the basis that a person can become a god alone but also that they themselves undeniably exist#but its so good. it ties in so well. brennan did a fucking fantastic job at capturing the abject horror of it all#also aabria iyengar if you can hear me PLEASE bring deanna back i will send you fifty dollars#and also hello i very briefly said hello at the live show and wanted to tell you how incredible i think you are but alas#where did these tags go#anyway#WOAH this is long. I should’ve been writing fic. alas.#really I don't think any of the hells are gonna be able to just. gloss over the casualties of it all. but especially mog and ashton and lau#tal has even already said that downfall made some things better for ash and some things Worse so I know I'm not too far off#I have. many many thought on how laudna will see it all too.#truly think she is going to be the most vocally horrified
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we sang in the aeroplane over the sea tgth ☆
#27% circle line with a lovely friend of mine rail tracks screeching etc etc u know the usual. im just gonna write down memories#a few weeks ago my friend read thus spoke zarathustra by the fire to the music she was dancing it was her silhouette#against the flashlight lit up gold and royal blues and tiger's silk i tried not to fall in love with her. in bordeaux we searched#for pomegranates he sent her 300 quid by the beach she cut it open with a knife her hand covered in red we each had a taste of her work#sweet red wet the sweetest grit. too barely clothed to go into the cliffside church they painted my eyes we painted hers#8 shots of gin she screamed joyfully IT'S ALIVE! at the book she said become the child i said i feel like a monster she said i was insane#i tried to believe her. fortified wine and later a red pen crossword defiled by humidity her hair in my hands two king sized beds#pushed next to each other she took her top off she told us to watch her arms raised up the musculature on her back was precise cut from#marble we saw oceans we saw the birds take cold baths the midnight sun over a wasp-infested pool our chemicals in their bodies#gold flakes dark skin gold cross shoulders against mine drawing some form of each other on the train i didn't hesitate#to say her eyes were beautiful over and over monks at the soapshop with titanium credit cards i loved you like i loved no other#he tied his hair up and walked us into the river he held a bullet between his lips i never held his hand he said what an honour#you own too much capital your mother thinks i'm a natural i realised i haven't told my mother i loved her in years she's always been mother#never mom i'll watch you watch seaweeds this is terminal akrasia i'll feel your fingers smear perfume on my lips your girlfriend grins#bite into the straw take the shot hold my hand get it all wrong draw in the sand kiss him right stab through leather shower in chlorine#you're the determinable vicissitude is all yours we won the Game AND the Battle AND the War i'm proud of you like crazy we feed each other#saffron cliffside lovers well-fallen brothers fat cats blue windows southwest sun ALife SynBio design aXAA grow us a city in silico#we've grown to the ends of glee fire-jumper ocean-eater sure-footed lists on lists hands on eyelids не устану искать тебя#...anyway ive put my face on this blog b4 but hiii again#feel free to rb btw the rants r not personal
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of course on the one day i absolutely cannot be late (got my diagnosis interview that i am terrified of) EVERY SINGLE BUS IS LATE AND I MISS ALL MY TRAINS BECAUSE OF THAT. i will light myself on fire in the [redacted city] municipal utilities headquarters.
#my stomach is eating itself and i feel like i might fall over any second (i'm sat) i'm so fucking nervous#why does everybody have to be so fucking late today of all days#i'm gonna have a public meltdown jfc
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sometimes oc refining is bad notes, s curves, and drawing them very small, and very silly
#i fuckign love character design doodling i love tiny details i love trying to show personality through design and body language#it's always my ultimate goal........that and making sure my characters look distinct nough from eachother#agh. s curves my beloved. i've never tried using them to inform character design before but it's very fun#twitch looks kind of like they're gonna fall over at any given time but that feels in character for some reason#i could ramble about this stuff all day. i had to cut down my thesis so much on the character front bc i had so MUCH to say#more silly tiny doodles to come i'm sure. but tonight this is all i got#bon appetit#fred draws#i guess#twitchery#grace
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My Tumblr followers. If and when you see this. Just don't look at twitter man
This year is cooked
Sorry for the vent but omg this year man THIS YEAR UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (read tags for context)
#2024 is done#worst year of my life#shitpost#kagevt#Hes coming back after his dramatic af graduation because he's a shit person because 3 months suddenly makes you a better person. Rent due?#People are beefing over whether fat nuggets or waddles is the better pig and saying hazbin copied gravity falls#Bc if we're talking cartoon pigs then 2007 spider pig Simpsons did it way before gravity fall so bad argument their#gravity falls#The dream smp members are being haunted by the ghost of their admins infection rate#Which is to say every dsmp member is gonna take a huge L this year and it's Eret's and Niki's turn currently#eret#niki niachu#AND ALL THE GOOD ANIMES IS ENDING SO I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE A DISTRACTION#AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON MR BEAST OML#vent post#vent#Eret and Ava Tyson were dating??? And Eret doesn't believe that she'd be “capable” of some of the bad thing she did WHEN ITS ALL PUBLIC INFO#mr beast#He sending out more lawsuits then batman has dollar bills#People are pressuring other people to join Mcc rising even though the team comp is literally too toxic got them#mcyt#Like if they don't want to play then don't make them play simple as. But NOOOOOOOOOO we gotta send disgusting shit and for what??#Have some dignity#I swear if another thing happens this year I'm throwing the YouTube and Twitter files into a nuclear bomb aimed at my brain bc I can't#And all that's on my mind is that if Technoblade could have seen the shit people are doing he'd be disappointed#I feel bad knowing he passed away without knowing the truth but I hope he's happy with what he did have#And my mental health is tanking#UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#chat i'm cooked
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Anybody know how to get rid of a curse 😭
#throwback to when i was a kid and my mother the monster that she is wished upon me to never be happy just as she isn't#and that i should never be granted love or happiness. just like her.#this happened repeatedly#my heart gets broken over and over while ppl around me find love and get to keep it and be happy#i feel so fucking broken. like im literally not a person. idk what im doing wrong#i love my friends' love. im genuinely happy to see them thrive#ive been alone and yearning for a quarter of a century#i cant take it anymore#of course i had to fall in love with someone who wont be with me#thats the easiest way to make sure im fucked up and alone for as long as possible#and it's happened several times#they may love me but they cant be w me#I'm literally so fucking sad#the one person who was gonna make it work. i made them hate me bc of some huge misunderstanding abt the nature of our relationship#i miss them the most in the whole world. i think about them constantly. biggest regret of my life#the grief of it all is eating me alive. i keep getting close to being happy n in love and. dare i say it. loved#and then its all getting ripped away from me. again and again#every day it hurts and it makes me paralysed and i cant do shit or be who i want. i wish i could b sedated forever#goodnight lol
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also picking raspberries turned out to be.. really fucking hard
#it's so physically demanding broo ToT#idk i feel like im just weak af because some people there seem to do it so easily and i can barely#do half a day#and they want me to do a full day tomorrow bro#like#I'm so tired after half a day..#i genuinely feel like i might just collapse or something#i do want that bit of money tho but it's sooo exhausting#i went there for half a day today and it killed me bro i was just lying in bed#and i didn't want to fall asleep cause it was like noon already but#i didn't even have the energy to look at a phone lmao#well it's gonna be over this week probably cause#the raspberries are going to stop growing in a few days apparently they're saying in 2 days#we're going to be done#I'd love to make more money but I don't think i can fucking do ittt#its so physically demanding whyyyyy#and why are there grandmas working with me in that field and they seem just fine BROOOO TOT#but yeah now that im thinking about it this also might be part of my problems cause#im soo much.ore irritable rn just cause im literally exhausted all the time ughhh#i came back home 3 days ago and i haven't even had the time to sit down at a desk and draw something#not even mentioning energy aughhh
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I overshare online because I need constant validation that every thought and action of mine is Good and Okay and Normal. Surely this is a healthy coping mechanism
#something I'm trying to work through#comes from a hard mixture of autism (not knowing if what im doing is Normal behavior)#OCD (guilt loops that last for days weeks months on end)#ADHD (rejection sensitive dysphoria)#being raised christian (always being reminded that bad thoughts and actions will send you to hell)#and trauma from being heavily monitored as a teenager (very used to having every thought & action over-analyzed)#i have a constant craving for validation because of all of those things#which leads me to being a very self-absorbed person#i feel like if people aren't consistently telling me that im a good person then i must be horrible#im putting my emotional work onto others when i do that#making it THEIR responsibility to make me love myself#it's not healthy for you or anyone around you#you can't truly improve yourself if you're always relying on other people to verify whether or not you're okay#especially since everyone has different opinions & biases#if you never learn how to validate yourself you become completely reliant on others#and if you lose that outside validation everything will fall apart#even though i know these things i still haven't broken out of the habit#but that's another thing you have to give yourself grace for#you can't expect yourself to instantly adhere to new expectations#so you're gonna be hypocritical at times#you can't hate youself for that either it takes time to break habits#you need to find the line between self criticism and self hatred#love yourself Or Else. literally.#.bdo
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Me and my freaking ship charts for my freaky mind
#I'm gonna rant about them in the tags a lil bit so bear with me#I really like the idea of them taking turns “spooning” each other (or just one laying on top of the other idk)#bc they listen to each others' heartbeats since Lisa's dying lmao#and idk where losa being taller came from#but her canon height says she's 5'11 and i believe it honestly#and kind of the same thing with her being trans; i just think it's a neat character study#especially since we dont know anything about her past or who she was before the game's events#and i didnt rly know how to mark Jean's flirtiness levels because Jean flirtation is VERY different from Lisa flirtation#hers is much more unintentional or very charming like a kiss to the back of Lisa's hand or dancing her around her office when it's late#and she speaks formally too which adds to the unintentional rizz#Lisa cant help but fall for her fr#and i think they are the embodiment of the “fell first fell harder” trope#Lisa falls first and she's content to watch Jean from afar bc she knows how important her job and Mond are to her#and then Jean finally catches up tripping falling bleeding all over ripping her heart out to show Lisa how it beats for her#altho i think it was hard for her to come to terms with it especially since she doesnt want her personal life to interfere with work#so she has to find the balance first#and Jean also knows that being flirty is just who Lisa is and that they are both extremely loyal to each other#but Lisa gets pushed a lot probably when other women start hitting on Jean a little too much#and they're both equally overprotective of each other especially out on dangerous missions#but Lisa feels like she HAS to protect Jean more bc of her importance to the safety of Mond#this is just me rambling tho im literally so in love with them bc theyre just so soft and the wives ever#i am the most sane jeanlisa shipper actually#ty for coming to my ted talk#jean gunnhildr#lisa mici#jeanlisa#genshin impact#ship chart#character art is mine
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How are my disabled girlies tonight? :3
#rambles#wrong answers only xxx#i feel like a dump truck round back and I'm gonna fall over bc my nerves? they are on holiday bro i cant feel a fucking thing <333#ok to rb#disability#chronic illness#chronic pain
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.
#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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Everyone wish me luck, I'm defending my thesis and taking my bachelor's exams tomorrow 😔
#I don't feel ready at all ngl#But also after it hanging over my head like the sword of damocles for the entire summer holidays I'm glad it's gonna be over soon#If I make it that is#It's my first attempt so I have no clue what to expect and I'm Hella Anxious#(I'm just taking it in September because my uni let's you pick either the spring or fall date and if you pick fall#you have extra time for writing your thesis)
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hi uncle nina! it's my birthday today and u don't have but will u pretty plz consider reposting that part of ch6 of rm where raven in on the phone with kenny b4 his hate with jers? i thought it was super cute and i really wanted to read it :3
awwww, happy birthday, darling! i hope it's as lovely as you are!
and i--sigh.
okay.
i hate complicated feelings surrounding chapter six ( aka the introduction to the iconique ravesey hate that i deleted from stress ) because i actually did love it...i just rushed the hell out of it, didn't plan it out very well and it was a mess. it could have been a lot better.
part of why i deleted it was actually because of that ravenstan/kenny phonecall because i felt worried that i revealed too much about how not cool and actually boy-failure-y stan was too early and could have kept the suspense going longer but aaaaaa i just wanted y'all to see how CUTE he was, like??? and how nervous! AAAA!!!
buuut considering the cat has been out of the bag, or rather, the raven has flown the nest for some time now...and it's the beauteous day you were born...i will humbly present you with this b-day present in the form of my incompetent idiot girl ramblings/writings, though, i fear it is not at all as grand the gift of your life is.
so, without further ado darlings, here is the endearing, embarrassing phone call ( it was over discord actually ) that ravenstan had with kenny prior to showing up to blondie's for his little hate-date with jerseykyle. it's a mess and unedited, but regardless, please know that from whatever hurts or harms you, i hope you heal, please rem(ember) to smile, pendejos,
and to now, as always, angels:
please enjoy the very, very...
worst part of your day. ;)
-uncle nina <333
#hlkshdlf i am self concious about this#but it is your birthday and rs was very cute in it#it's also your birthday and you deserve to celebrate#it is a momentous occasion my love! so heres some pre-hate#again idk what this really sounds like i have not read it since i wrote it and hit and run posted it on ao3#but smh can u feel kens jealous rage thru the phone disguised as thinly veiled teasing i am crying fml sorry kenny#its ok i give them the gift of marjorine very soon i swear#but oh my god stan is so stinking cute!!! it was too early but all we had was mean scary jersey pov and only really saw raven#as a massive smarmy rockstar assholes with glimmers of his humanity coming through a rare awkward stammer#and hes actually gods sweet fucking angel shdlskd anyways this reveal was much more iconic when u didn't know that#but i hope u enjoy this sorry its not the best also everyone say we love u raven hes gonna throw up deadass the whole time#stans fkn catboy gamerboy headphones i love him so bad in his lil suit and his combat boots and his blonde ass hair#KENNY WAS BEING SO OUT OF POCKET AND NASTY also i was a little too nasty in this im sorry ew go to jail nina#mans was thinking abt jerseys lawyer voice TOO MUCH#the light cartman and chef reveal...very spicy to me xx#ravenstan is so hey baby i heard you like bad boys...well i'm bad at everything ;) *winks and leans seductively and falls over*#i love the stannish half mexican stan my beloved <333
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SMALL HELLO PAINT POST RAGHHH!!!
I was drawing a little on @artastic-friend's DJMM/MM Hello Paint board last night, now I'm gonna throw my drawings up. :D
FIRST OF ALL HOWEVER, I painfully DREW @ntls-24722's OC COMET BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON HE HAD A GRIP ON ME IN THAT VERY MOMENT.
March was there to witness me draw this nearly the entire time. 💀 I wanna say this took around 1 hour or so? Maybe a little more because I could not stop looking over it. 😭 As you can see by my tiny doodle alone, my hand was going through it. 💀💀💀 BUT I DID THIS FOR THE BIG MAN BECAUSE HE PRETTY!! ✨✨✨ I definitely wanna try to draw Comet more, but god damn, he is a piece of WORK. /lh
Anyway here are the rest of the doodles! :D This time they're just of DJ. Not a lot of drawings, but that's because I literally draw at a snail's pace. 🗿
Little March cameo
Anyway yea that's it *crawls in a hole and dies*
#djmm#fnaf djmm#dj music man#hello paint#ntls-24722#artastic-friend#akikothefuzzball#never gonna be over that Comet drawing dude#I love that I managed to draw it- BUT AT WHAT COST 💀#oh right the cost of my hand nearly falling off :D#it's fine now don't worry 💀#BUT YEA RARRAGARAGARSDJBZH COMET GO BRRR#I think March had mentioned to me that they found it funny that NTLS had logged off the board literally as I started to draw Comet 💀#IT WAS FINE EITHER WAY LMAO#especially since I have a problem with my drawings being recognized by others as I'm drawing them#like if I feel eyes on me while I'm drawing then it gets harder to draw 💀💀💀#but ragargrss anyway#IDK IF YOU'VE SEEN IT YET BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE THE COMET DRAWING MAN 😭‼️✨
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There's just like a lot of things about me that make me feel like I'm profoundly unlovable
#GDKSGJSHSKHSKSHHELP I'M. I FULLY UNDERSTAND WHY I DROPPED IT BACK THEN#LIKE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PUT IT INTO WORDS. ESP WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE#bruh my brain came up w the phrase 'bootleg incel' anf i nearly choked on my drink about it GSKGSAHSGKS#BUT IT'S LIKE. 100% . I HAVE A LOT OF DEEPLY ROOTED INSECURITIES THAT JUST. FUCK ME OVER#and make me see shrimp colors like oh this is a very lovely story where one character is#deeply misunderstood and ostracized and feared and dehumanized and they've spent their entire life alone#and also she's a hot space girl. OBVIOUSLY THE GUY IS GONNA FALL IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT#LIKE. LIKE. and it is sooooooo love at first sight and it's super sweet but like THE SHRIMP COLORS. HURTING ME#and i KNOW. i'm the one who's being stupid about it. like objectively it's a fun story and it's cute and exciting#but man. i am just one evil concoction of a guy. there are a lot of things about me that make me feel unlovable.#not only am i undesirable i also just do it wrong. i fit into zero social conventions and i pay the price for it#SWAGEVER...............#anyways i do recommend sazan and comet girl if only for the artwork but also. it's cute#there's just something wrong with me. deeply.#still reading it btw i just needed to get all this junk out of my system LMFAO#THE. INADEQUACIES..............#from my art to just all of me. as a person.#normal guy.
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